I’m scared of everything all the time. I live like I’m not, but I am. On the outside I act like most everyone else. I have a family, a job, and most days are filled and hectic. I wrap myself in the kids, in my writing, my marriage, and though there is joy and wonder, fear is always looming, and suffocating.
The pervasive awareness that life is short and fragile makes living, loving risky. I’m afraid to become attached to anything because everything is temporary. But it isn’t only death and all things related that scare me. It goes way beyond just me and my time. I fear for my kids, and their kids, reminded daily on the evening news of humanities frailties by the infractions we inflict. I’m afraid of people. Just scratch the surface and we are all fatally flawed. I’m scared of myself. I’ve proven to be reckless with my body and mind, lied to myself to continue bad behavior, and rationalized away reality to protect my ego.
I realize most people don’t live like me. They engage themselves in their daily lives and move through their time paying little heed to extraneous abstractions unless they are thrust into harsh situations that require scrutiny. Only then do they consider fear as something more than background noise. Only when fear has them by the throat and they’re gasping for a breath of hope do they understand how I live everyday.
It’s exhausting living like this, but I don’t know how to be different. I cannot block out baseline realities like we are mortal, people are fundamentally self-serving, making most inherently unreliable, as I am, even to myself. Since I believe in no god/s, and have faith in no one, I can find no ground. It constantly feels like I’m falling. I’ve tried countless psychotherapies, as well as prescribed and acquired chemistry, but I cannot shut down fear.
The only thing I know will kill the fear is death.
That’s what makes suicide such a viable and practical option.