1st Journal Entry to my Son

Putting an entry into my now 11 yr old son's journal today, I noticed the first:

Hi E,
First, I want you to know how much I love you. It's the weirdest thing. I've only known you for five months but I love you more deeply and more profoundly than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life.

I also want you to know that I will be the best mom I can be to you. I know that I will screw up a lot, and I apology for it up front, and again throughout the rest of our time together whenever warranted. I hope by the time you read this that you will understand that my guiding light is my love for you, and the choices and disciplines I imposed on you were based on love.

E, I have chosen to keep this journal to you because I want you to know what's happened along the way– to help you understand yourself better. As your mother, I will be your primary teacher, as my mom was mine. Your grandmother taught me how to see beauty. She used to point out a sunset, or stop to look at a flower, have me look closely and recognize its intricate patterns and magnificent colors. Your grandmother also taught me to feel bad about myself. She did not do this consciously. She had expectations of who she wanted me to be and when I did not meet them, she was disappointed in me and showed it.

Although I hope to be a better parent (as every parent does), I know that I too will have expectations of you. I know that at times I will impose my vision of who I want you to be, instead of seeing who you are. I blindly hope that you do not suffer too greatly for my humanity. I wish for you to grow proud of who you are. I love you E.M. My deepest desire is that you have a life filled with happiness and fulfillment, that the times you feel lonely are few and short lived, that you never know hopelessness, and that you embrace living with passion and purpose.

I promise you to observe, listen, and plug in to you emotionally to learn about who you are. In this journal I will try and chronicle our times together as accurately as possible, but remember these words are my interpretation of our experiences and should be read with this knowledge at the fore.

So far, you seem like a pretty happy kid. You smile a lot, and laugh, too. You seem to really like when I sing to you. You like being held and nuzzled, and that's good for me because I love holding you and snuggling, too. Sometimes at night when you wake crying, I bring you into bed with me and your dad, and you push your little body into mine and fall asleep. I really love having you there, feeling you breathe, knowing you're safe. It's a blast taking you out and about, turning you onto the world, and you seem to like it, too. Shopping with you is pure fun, showing you things in the stores, encouraging you crinkle the plastic chip bag or touch the cold ice cream container. You have a great time and I love watching you discover.

I hear you rustling around in the bassenette now, just waking from your afternoon nap. (Almost an hour today, but you'll still be up at 3:00 a.m. looking for attention.) Anyway, got to sign off. Want to be there for you before you start crying. Alone is scary, for me, too. I'll try and be there when you wake, at least initially, let you know you're not on your own from the beginning, hopefully provide you some ground. I'll write to you here when the muse strikes me. Depending on what gets written in here over the years will depend on when you actually get to read this. But I promise you, you will get to read it. After all, this is for you.
I love you, my beautiful son. Welcome to the world, and thank you for being in my life.


No comments: